I actually can spell very well. It's my typing which brings such pain to my life.
The big EVALUATION is when the priests in charge of forming you for priesthood get together with you and let you know precisely what they think about you. It's really not all that bad, but it certainly gives one pause. I mean, how often do you get together with people who are going to tell you precisely what they think about you? Not very. Usually people are much more polite than all that.
There's something to be said for politeness. But there is also something to be said for truthfulness. And we all need someone to tell us honestly how they are perceiving us. We also need to be honest with others about the reality of our lives.
But am I simply justifying myself, or do I sincerely feel called to priesthood. And if I sincerely feel called to prieshood, am I capable of living that out in my life. On a complete tangent, (I'm ultimately not shallow), why can't I spell it correctly. One would be apalled at how often I must go back and correct the speeling of the word 'priest'. I've taken to simply typing it wrong, so that it comes out right.
I have a remarkable penchant for wanting to remain shallow. To not throw all of my trials and woes out there for all to see. In my handwritten journals, I wonder if someone will ever see them, so I am careful about what I write in them. In my weblog, I know that others will see them. That is one thing about the life of a priest, it is so public. The only thing about priesthood whcih pains me, is that it is such a public life.
"How public. Like a frog." I carry on a surruptitious love affair with Emily Dickenson
I'm nobody, who are you?
Are you nobody too?
There's a pair of us, don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know!
How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog,
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
The exclamation points do bug me. But who am I to diss the Em-inator?
I appreciate her views. Can you imagine if she had an EVALUATION?
"So, Emily. We can't help but notice that you never leave your house. What's up with that? This might be a symptom of something much deeper. Have you considered counseling? How are you ever going to be able to relate to people if you never go beyond yourself. It's just not going to happen, we're really concerned about this. But your spelling is beautiful , and you do seem to have this knack or writing."
And then the Holy Spirit wafts into the room and takes over so you can gently respond to everything.
It's actually very painful for me to live a public life. Sometimes I would much prefer to retreat to the business world, where I can get lost in my work and live my life peacefully while no one notices. I wonder if that is what Paul meant when he spoke of his thorn in his flesh.
That is one way in which I like Emily DIckenson. She lived her life completely to herself. But her impact is forever. (not that mine is so great, but we all have lasting impact in some way shape or form.) She is soooo lilke Therese of Liseaux, locked away in the Convent, monitoring life, while living it to the hilt in the midst of all of us who rush around to different ends. I really admire that people can make thier lives that way.
But priesthood beckons to something diffent. In no way more lofty or profound, just entirely different. And it is also enlightening to realize the impact that these women are having such a profound effect in my vocational discernment. For all the griping I hear so often about women's ordination, women just don't realize thier own power. So many woman I know, if they took up their actual power and did not spend so much time using thier words uselessly against how men demonize them in the church; this world would rock.
This is an interesting issue to have, about women. Why don't women, so many that I know, take up thier own power. I am all for the empowerment of women. The only way Jesus could actually come into this world, to live a life in the flesh, is through woman.
A priest is man who is preist, prophet, and king. What is woman? Where are there any treatisies claiming the incredible Theology of Womanhood.
I don't believe in female ordination for preisthood. But women have such a remarkable and inherent power within them, that I am often just amazed when women that I know throw that same power all away. I know, literally, tons of women who diss Mary, the Mother of God. I mean, excuse me.... how powerful is that, to rear God. To raise God as your child. To form God in relation to his incarnational existence. The Gospel itself implies a complete reliance on women. So when women start bandying on about female ordination, I am actually amazed. They just don't realize thier incredible power over, and upon, men.
In turn, I cannot deny that many priests do exert thier contorl over women to the denigration of both sexes. That issue of control is more than likely a great impetus in reactionary female criticism of the Church's role in proclaiming male ordination. It's ultimately a power struggle.
Where is God in a power struggle. Where is Jesus? Where is the Holy Spirit. They are all just right outside the door. Let's invite them in.
posted by David Greenleaf at Thursday, October 03, 2002
